Dear Me: The Awkwardness being 21.

Assalamualaikum, and long time no see blog!!👋

Its been what 2 years ke more? Lama gila tak tengok benda alah semua ni sampai rasa pelik. Even seeing keyboard laptop pun awkward. Hahahaha. Lama simpan urge to write tapi hold sebab prinsip "tulis something that helpful for others!" After a while so I just said to myself why not start again your 'dear me' section where mar buat ruang ni untuk mar borak santai2 and just reminder for myself. To be exact a online diary.

Disclaimer: Topik harini tak apply untuk semua orang yang berumur 21 dan mungkin ada yang umur bawah dari 21 juga akan rasa. Ada kemungkinan juga atas 21 merasakan topik ni childish and yes I am a bit childish. Kalau rasa apa yang di share ini tak matang, Baca balik perenggan di atas ini adalah online diary saya ikut suka hati saya lah nak tulis pasal apa pun. Ceh emo🙊

Panjangggg disclaimer. Not fully 21 yet, tapi dah boleh consider 21 dah. Usia yang mana I feel being an adult. Yes not really hadap cabaran adulthood tu lagi sebab baru setahun jagung ye dak. Mungkin dah dapat rasa sikit2 cabaran tu. Berkait dengan tajuk saja jelah nak share apa yang mar rasa awkward- nya lah di usia 21 ni.

Hish takutnya nak cakap pasal benda ni because I myself feel irritating if someone talk about this topic. I was like eh dah takde topic lain. Tapi inilah hakikatnya aku akan hadap topik ni bila kumpul2 luncheon ke dengan kawan2 aku.

Dah boleh agak kan apa die... Okay the story goes...so my family ni small je consist of 4 people and I am the only daughter and anak sulung pulak so my parents were very strict to me. Contoh dalam pergaulan. Naturally lah kan diorang strict yer tak. Bila I said pergaulan here means having a boyfriend masa sekolah is a no no. Dilarang sama sekali. Sampai one time message about crush or guy with my friend pun my dad marah. Masa tu macam terkejut like why? Having a crush only. Laki tu tak tau pun aku wujud. Hahaha. A dad always been a dad. Umur aku baru form 1 weh memang tak faham

Jadi almost of my friend adalah golongan gadis2, Memang susah nak nampak aku bergaul dengan lelaki. Bergaul dengan lelaki hanya berlaku masa sekolah rendah jer masuk sekolah menengah haram. Nak cakap dengan lelaki pun aku segan. Benda ni terbawak sampai lah sekarang. Sebab tu having a relationship is something that way tooooo awkward for me. 

Jujur sebelum ni takde lah terkesan rasa die tapi sekarang pun takde lah urge sangat. However once in while you did think about it. But to be honest it is not my priorities pun. Tak percaya tanya my friend what I think about marriage. I pernah cakap takmau kahwin. Gila lah weh takmau kawin. Yup because at one time I see a bad image about marriage macam depan mata and suddenly I feel scared. 

You muda lagi...Yup setuju sangat pandangan ni. Actually if you read this and you think I ni jenis gatai sangat nak kawin lah nak ada boipreng lah save your words dear. I tak macam tu. Thats why I say this whole thing about having relationship is awkward for me. Bayangkan nak sorok2 couple dulu pun Allah jentik hati teringat my dad punya warning. A lot of things I rebelling dulu tapi one thing I tak rebelling was having a boyfriend. 

Ingat lagi one time after spm like right after I habis zaman sekolah and my dad suddenly asked me about boyfriend and liking someone. Weh, pelik giler! Masa tu macam takkan nak tipu kan memang I do like someone at that time. Ada masa my dad bagi love advice and asked me about relationship status. Yes it is weird tapi kita faham parents kan they want to know more about you. This is my honest opinion, try to share with them pasal benda2 macam ni. Tak tipu memang you rasa macam alah remeh je tapi parents weh diorang nak tau. 

Kadang2 kalau I go out with my friends means kat sini drive sendiri diorang akan tanya dengan siapa keluar. Bukan sebab kepochi heh but because they care. Things like this makes me think more and try to hadam dan faham about my parent's feelings.Where you think about consideration and put them number one in anything you do. Berkat dan restu mereka penting

Another episodes of my life. One day my friend tanya this to me "Mar rasa kita ni tua ke?" Mula2 rasa nak tergelak, yelah apa malam2 buta ni tanya pasal benda ni kan. Tapi memang tua pun pergi open house 4 buah rumah drive kereta dah tak larat. Dulu berbuah2 rumah jalan kaki lagi enjoy je. Okay sambung so I reply lah "Yes tua by means as and adult not like tua "tua" " Then she reply takde lah orang sekeliling dia dah ada yang kahwin bertunang bagai do you think kita dah kena ke?

I was like weh...awad hang pikiaq lagu ni. I said to her Omg there are lot of things that you should think right now. Yes dear baru 21 kut lebih baik pikir pasal kerja ke pelajaran ke ni hah hutang belajar ni nak bayar pakai apa. Suddenly she feel bad about herself. She said someone did say this to her " Bukan apa orang badan macam you ni ssh nak dapat jodoh because my aunt also like you" Eh bod*** kan dah geram sampai mencarut. Yes I memang marah orang yang suka jatuhkan confidence orang ni. Eh kawan jenis apa kau ni. My friend siap cakap lagi memang lah niat dia tu baik. Aku macam baik apa benda tu.

Kau siapa untuk menentukan hidup seseorang just berlandaskan satu imej yang kau nampak. Oh asal badan berisi skit susah nak kahwin lah susah orang nak suka lah. Allahuakbar, aku hanya mampu untuk fikir masa kau melontarkan ayat tu kau masih tak matang. I said to her stop thinking like this she not capable to do that. Itu kerja Allah. Kita ni belum tentu jumpa jodoh dulu maybe ajal jemput dulu. This is reminder to myself too, ada je among my friends yang having relationship and lucky enough to be engaged and married however, I just say to myself Allah dah susun cantik dah perjalanan hidup kita. Itu rezeki dia and masa kita akan sampai. Till the end she insist that some of her friend said you need to think this seriously right now. I just asked her "Are you ready to faced all the challenges after engagement and marriage? Are you ready mentally and physically? 

Allah bagi your friend merasa dulu because she ready to face it. If anything happens itu sudah tertulis dalam takdir dia. To be honest, yes I am not ready untuk pikul tanggungjawab yang berat sangat tu. Marriage is not something main kahwin2 before maghrib cerai sebab mak panggil balik rumah. NO! It much more bigger than that obviously. Ya, saya tak tau sebab saya tak kahwin lagi tapi kita boleh fikir ini secara rational nya kan.

All of this are process to know about life. One habit that I love to do is perhatikan orang lagi2 kat shopping mall. Seeing them and start to monologue what kind of life that she/he had been through. Seeing old couple doa dapat jodoh yang kekal sampai tua. It is good habit tho. Make you feel gratefull about yourself, your life.

To put this end, walaupun I said that everything regarding L.O.V. E ni awkward tak bermakna I benci dengan this thingy. Even though I say I don't want to get married tak bermakna saya taknak dan tak fikir. Once in while I fikir jugak. Jangan ingat aku tak couple and janggal cakap dengan laki aku tak pernah suka someone. Obviously I am human bukan robot.

At the age 21 love is not the only thing that you will faced. Banyak lagi and I will faced it and learn about it slowly. For adik2 tu jangan lah dok fikir pasal boyfriend girlfriend ni sangat. Ni tak raya penuh tanya pasal jodoh tak sampai lagi lah tapi umur baru belasan. Just wait and go with the flow. Please jangan meroyan and for uncles and aunties can you hold your question about this thing bila berjumpa. If diorang still study why not tanya psl study dia rather than this love thingy. Sometimes people are stressed about this. Yelah caring tapi bila orang tak balas takda tu tak perlu nak perli and tanya lebih lanjut. Sampai masa kad kahwin tu sampai kat tangan makcik. Masa tu kalau mintak gotong royong masak kenduri jangan lari naa....

This is just tiny bit of my concerns in 21. My 20's life and challenges banyak lagi nun panjang beratur elok je tunggu turn.Obviously apa yang mar sampaikan ni bukan lah semata2 pasal cinta je ada maksud tersirat. Orang yang baca staright tak hadam ni akan nampak cinta and mula lah membawang. Baru 21 dok cakap pasal cinta ja? Miang keladi sangat lah...

Hello my target nak bagi semua duit aku kat parents aku okay. Thats it. Titik. Noktah. Pay them back. That is my goal right now.

NOTE: Kawan2 boleh tak klau gather lepas ni stop talk about jodoh, kahwin etc. please. I am so tired to talk about this 😡

Semoga yang 20's skarang have a great 20's life. Yang lain pun tak kurang jugak. If you tired facing all of this give yourself a pat on your back and say you did a great job!

Will come back with more mature person and doakan saya dapat course saya nak please for degree life. This is my last chance. Oh tak lupa juga I will update more in my bake! bake! corner. Dah lama sendu tu.

 Thanks for reading 😉